The Broken Road

To love means being vulnerable.  I don’t know about you, but I never have liked that word….vulnerable. Webster defines “vulnerable’ as that which can be wounded or injured. It means being weak, defenseless, helpless, at risk, powerless, exposed, feeble. There is absolutely nothing enticing about the word vulnerable. I must admit, over the span of my life, this is an area of which I have had a problem with. You wouldn’t “think” that anyone should even WANT to be vulnerable….for cryin’ out loud….look at what it means. From my perspective and rationale, it means setting yourself up to get hurt. In the past I have had a tendency to keep the vulnerability in my life to a minimum.  And when I have allowed it to enter in, I have always been sure to keep some walls up around it….”just in case”.  All it takes is being burned one time. One broken heart and instantaneously the walls of steel are built.  For every person you let in to your life, you are taking a chance on getting hurt. Relationships of all kinds: friendships, marriages, parent/child, coworkers, fellow church members, siblings, dating relationships. Any time you are in any kind of relational fellowship with a human being, you are taking a chance on getting your heart broken.

I have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t experienced the pain of a broken heart. This is one area of life where virtually everyone can relate to, and when we come across someone who is currently going through it….we cannot only see their pain, we can feel their pain.  It takes us back to those dark days in our lives where being vulnerable became our biggest nightmare. You know, those days where it feels like your entire chest cavity was sawed open, only to expose to the world what was left of your aching heart. The heart literally is the only organ that can function even when it’s broken. Don’t ask me how, because having your heart broken feels like death.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I don’t like feeling like death. For those who know me, know that I am not real fun to be around when I’m internally miserable. I have always been a “hurry up and get over it” person. Many people are not like that, BUT after my last break up a couple months ago, I realized why I’ve always been insistent on quick internal recovery. Because I DON’T LIKE THE WAY IT FEELS!!  I cannot stand the THOUGHT of another human being, being able to steal my peace and joy. This is the ONLY life I’ve got. I only have ONE shot at it. I can’t live in misery because one person didn’t see my value and my worth. And the sooner I deal with it, the faster that feeling will go away!  I opened myself up. I had allowed myself to be more vulnerable than….maybe EVER. And OUCH!! Not only was it a shock, but it sure hurt like hades J Then, I got ticked off. I drove a couple of people in my life absolutely CRAZY asking them to pray for me because it was literally making me nuts. 

It by far wasn’t the first time I had been hurt, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I think everyone goes through the same feelings when it comes to dealing with affairs of the heart. PROFOUND love….involves reciprocity. The lack of, is painful. The biggest blow is the feeling of rejection. When someone we love walks away from us, we take it as personal rejection. We feel they have rejected us for “who we really are”.  Our self worth plummets to an all time low because the enemy sneaks in and tells us we aren’t worthy to be loved.  It’s a blow to our self esteem. It’s a blow to our pride. Our self image is damaged. It’s a raw pain. It can make you cry. It can make you scream. It can make you have feelings of rage (and sometimes feelings of retaliation! Ha!). It can make you feel like you are losing your mind. It can affect your sleep and overall health. And to lay it all out on the table, it made me feel like I could have punched someone. Ha! Just sayin’….J

A broken heart sucks, BUT, it has to be dealt with. There are way too many other important areas of our lives that will be affected if we don’t. Our personal health (blood pressure, heart problems, depression, etc.). It can majorly affect our families. Parents….you need to deal with it because your children are learning how to handle relationships based on how you are handling yours. If they see that a past relationship has you living a fearful, bitter, angry life, afraid to love, afraid to commit, afraid of getting hurt again….trust me, they are holding on to every ounce of FEAR that YOUR life is projecting. Every negative thing you say about the person who hurt you, is not only keeping YOU BOUND (because they are on your mind and coming out of your mouth way too much), but it is binding up your children as well. I’m not a parent, but I am a child of divorced parents. Watch what you say, because the power of life or death is in the tongue. Your children, no matter how old they are, are watching you and holding on to every word you say. You are either teaching them how to love (yes, even the unlovable) or you are teaching them how to hate. And ultimately YOU are responsible for your children. Sometimes it’s hard to tell how children are taking it because they have a tendency to hide the pain.  They often have feelings of being torn and having to “choose” between parents. But it will eventually come out when they get into relationships, get married, and have children of their own. Don’t wreck someone else’s life because someone hurt you. Remember….it’s NOT what happens to us in life that kills us, it’s how we react to it. I’m not saying it is easy, but the choices you make….don’t just affect you. It has a domino effect. In addition, it can affect your job. And you’re not careful, it can affect your relationship with God. I know I was having people pray for me because I couldn’t hardly push past the pain to pray! Talk about frustrating! I wasn’t married of course, so my personal allotted time to recover was 2 weeks. Ha! That didn’t happen. It took me right at four weeks and I was MAD about it! That was just way too long for anyone to have that kind of control in my life. And ultimately, if you don't find it within you to overcome it, it can quench the desires of your heart.

The fourth week I was just beside myself. I finally had gotten to the point (week 2 1/2ish) to where I could pray. And I mean I did nothing BUT pray. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I confided in one of my spiritual mentors about the trouble I was having getting over it. I was reading her email and she had mentioned that she would pray that any spiritual or emotional soul ties were broken! It FINALLY clicked! I was BOUND to this person. I don’t need to tell you…this was the beginning of the end! I found every prayer I could on breaking soul ties and absolutely prayed one night for about 4-5 HOURS until those feelings were completely gone. Ahhhh, the relief to wake up the next morning (JOY comes in the morning) to joy, laughter, peace, happiness….AND the ability to move on with my life and never look back on that chapter of my life. It was officially closed.  

I learned a lot. I learned that when someone tells you they love you, but they leave you….the problem is within their own heart. Most of the time, it doesn’t take long to see that (and not that we don’t have things about us that need to be changed).  I learned to embrace the pain and learn from it. From Christ’s perspective, there’s always purpose in the pain. It’s unfortunate, but it does give us the opportunity to look inside ourselves, to grow, to change, and to give us a better understanding of who we really are. I learned that dwelling on the “why’s”, the “what if’s”, and the “if only’s” just intensifies the misery. I learned that pain and grief sometimes is the price we pay for caring. I learned that our past is not a determinant of our future, unless we allow it to be. I learned that the past only has significance according to the value we put on it….and to change our future we have to put a new value on it.  I learned how dominant thoughts are extremely powerful. We will never rise above the self image we have of ourselves in our heart (which is key in changing ANY area of our lives).  I learned that our past prepares us for the future. I learned that there is no substitute for time (and for most people may take longer than four weeks..ha! I’m just DETERMINED!! Hee). Time, coupled with consistent prayer and sufficient time with God, will allow you to (in a healthy way) work through the loneliness, the betrayal, the fear, the disappointment, and the rejection. Time will open your heart again (IF you allow it to).  I learned that often times, rejection is God’s protection. And I learned….you have to hurt before you can heal ♥

Did I like it? No. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Why? Because it put me in a place where I knew I NEEDED God. The last month and a half I have had the most wild, crazy, awesome, mind blowing times with God!! I can’t begin to tell you everything…that would take at least another 10 pages. Lol  I know one thing is for certain, if no one EVER EVER EVER loves me again….MY GOD LOVES ME and ultimately that is ALL that matters.  Will this keep me from risking love again? Nope. It may hurt sometimes, but there is nothing like the feeling of love ♥  No matter how long or how short, I’m thankful there have been times in my life where I have had the opportunity to experience it ♥

One more thing I learned along the broken road. Although I got my heart broken by someone else, I also ended up breaking my own heart. Sounds crazy (which I am….God doesn’t call the qualified, He calls the crazy. Hee).  I had a moment during my prayer time during week four where I had pictured Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane where his soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. I pictured Him pleading with God to “take this cup from Me.” I pictured Him praying so hard that his sweat was like drops of blood. I pictured the Roman soldiers arresting Him. I pictured Him being spit at, blindfolded, and punched repeatedly. I pictured the crown of thorns being shoved deep into His scalp. I pictured His beard being plucked out. I pictured Him being pounded on the head with a staff. I pictured Him being flogged with a cat of nine tails until his back lay completely open and bleeding. I pictured Him carrying that heavy cross until He just couldn’t physically carry it anymore. I pictured Him being nailed to the cross and lifted in the air to be mocked. And then I heard Him on the cross saying, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.”   Jesus Christ experienced the ultimate in rejection, betrayal, and loneliness….FOR ME.  Who am I to not forgive? Who am I to not experience the same thing?  Did I react like Jesus? No. Not at first. I started thinking of how Jesus must feel at times, knowing that He suffered all of that for us, but so many times we even still reject, betray, use, and disappoint Him….but He loves us anyway.  It’s times like these where I understand what vulnerability is all about. I’m still learning, but I’m being broken. The walls are coming down layer by layer.  I’m learning what it means to be vulnerable. Because in my most vulnerable times, I’ve come to know the love of Christ in ways I didn’t know existed ♥  Embrace the painful times and know….Jesus is right there with you ♥ He feels your pain, literally ♥